Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Randomize
