You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
