The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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