I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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