What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
