if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
