She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
