Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Randomize
