I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
