i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
