Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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