you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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