i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
