I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
