I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
