That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
