there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
