Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
