we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
