I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
