I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
