I want to walk on stilts...naked
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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