I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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