Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
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happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
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He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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