i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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