I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
