p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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