You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.