You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
