Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
