He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
