I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
