Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
