i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
