I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize