i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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