I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How drunk are you?
Completed.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
