so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
