i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
