Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
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hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
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I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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