Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
