if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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