apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
