Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
