Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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