We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
