I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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