Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
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if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
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That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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