Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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