that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
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you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
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I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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