Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
