So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
