Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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