as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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