im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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