He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I want her autograph on my taint
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
