My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!