I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
