I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
