whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
